Exceptionally Insane and Haphazard Story of Stuff
by Daroga's Rainy Daae
Summary: Jack Sparrow and his crew sail the Caribbean; in which most things go wrong, nothing goes right, and some things just go left.
1. Jack Finds a Crew

Adventure One: Jack Finds a Crew  
  
  
  
After crashing the Black Pearl many a time around the rocky docks of Tortuga, Jack realized that manning a ship might be infinitely easier if he had a few more people to help him with it.  
  
  
"I've realized that manning a ship might be infinitely easier if I had a few more people to help me with it," he realized.  
  
  
So crashing the Black Pearl smoothly through a dock, Jack dropped the anchor, which thudded onto dry land, and lowered the gangplank, which fell on top of a couple of unsuspecting people.  
  
  
"This looks like a nice spot to pick me up a crew," Jack decided, peering around at the filthy island, gun smoke in the air and rum bottles littering the ground.  
  
  
"Hey, you," a gruff voice said behind Jack. "This is my island; everyone here answers to me!"  
  
  
Jack swung about to see nobody, but caught a shadow around the corner. "Who are you?" Jack called, curiously.  
  
  
"I am Lofty Ben, the sleaziest sleaze in the seven seas!" retorted the threatening shadow.  
  
  
"Is that trademarked?" Jack asked.  
  
  
"Quite so, my good fellow!" the man said.  
  
  
"Then wouldn't 'sleaziest sleaze in the seven seas' be capitalized?" Jack commented, slyly.  
  
  
"It is! Look again: I am Lofty Ben! Sleaziest Sleaze in the Seven Seas™!" Lofty Ben, Sleaziest Sleaze in the Seven Seas™, said.  
  
  
"Come out where I can see you, man," Jack ordered.  
  
  
"Sure thing!" Lofty Ben moseyed around the corner and revealed himself as none other than the midget who was to become a part of the future crew of Jack's Black Pearl.  
  
  
"You're shorter than me!" Jack proclaimed.  
  
  
"What of it?" the midget said, gruffly as ever.  
  
  
"You might come useful," Jack replied, thoughtfully. "Do you have courage, fortitude and the ability to squeeze into tight places?"  
  
  
"Actually, yeah," Lofty Ben said proudly, puffing out his chest. "I was born with rat-like qualities, so I can compress my ribcage to fit under closed doors."  
  
  
"Amazing!" Jack hooted. "I suppose you'd like to join my crew?"  
  
  
"That would be great! What does it pay?" Lofty asked.  
  
  
"Absolutely nothing, but my ship has plenty of doors you may practice your skill with, not to mention it's got black sails, so you may forever travel in style," Jack said.  
  
  
"It's a deal!" Lofty answered, excitedly.  
  
  
"Good! Now let's go find more worthy people for this fine developing crew," Jack said. He began to hunt about with the midget at his heels, until they came to the Faithful Bride.  
  
  
"That is the workplace of the dominatrix," Lofty Ben explained. "We could skip this place."  
  
  
"No need! We shall approach the dominatrix and ask her to join our crew!" Jack said, and with that, he entered the bar.  
  
  
"I will TEACH you NEVER to TOUCH my whip AGAIN," the dominatrix shouted, just as Jack walked in the door. She was in the midst of a brawl, obviously beating the crap out of one chubby little balding man.  
  
  
"But you whapped me!" the man argued.  
  
  
"And I'll WHAP you AGAIN!" the lady shouted.  
  
  
"Ouch!" the man cried as the whip said 'whootcha!'  
  
  
"Pardon my interruption," Jack called, hurrying between the man and the dominatrix who was holding a chair above her head.  
  
  
"Who're you?" the dominatrix asked, eyes narrowed.  
  
  
"I am Captain Jack Sparrow of the Black Pearl! I am looking for a crew, and I decided that you have indeed proven useful to me in your heartless beating of this good man! What is your name, woman?" Jack asked.  
  
  
"I am Anamaria," the dominatrix said, setting the chair down.  
  
  
"Any last name?" Jack inquired.  
  
  
"Not that I know of. Most people just call me 'Aaaahhh Anamaria Please Have Mercy Ahhhh' so I decided that a last name would just clash with my title. I mean, how do you think 'Aaaahhh Anamaria Please Have Mercy Ahhhh Johnson' would sound? Better just keep to one name," she explained.  
  
  
"So, will you join my crew?" Jack asked.  
  
  
"Sure," Anamaria said.  
  
  
"And you." Jack addressed the cowering man behind him.  
  
  
"What about me?" the man asked.  
  
  
"Would you like to become part of my crew?" Jack asked.  
  
  
"Yes, but what did I do to deserve it?" the man retorted.  
  
  
"You are good for being a lackey, comic relief, and target practice, what say you?"  
  
  
"Aye!" the man replied. "My name is Gibbs," Gibbs said.  
  
  
"Is that your-…?" Jack trailed off.  
  
  
"Last name," Gibbs informed him.  
  
  
"And why don't you have a first name?"  
  
  
"The writers got lazy - so am I hired?" Gibbs asked.  
  
  
"Aye!" Jack said. "Anamaria and Gibbs, I'd like you both to meet Lofty Ben, Sleaziest Sleaze in the Seven Seas™."  
  
  
"Hullo," Lofty Ben grunted.  
  
  
"Let's go find more eligible crew members!" Jack suggested with haste, exiting the Faithful Bride. He and his quickly-forming crew scouted the area for more worthy pirates. They soon came upon a dead end alleyway, which contained an abandoned beer keg at the end of it.  
  
  
"Abandoned beer keg!" Jack cried, pointing toward it. "Perhaps there's some left in it! It's mine!" He ran the remainder of the way down the alleyway and dove headfirst into the keg to discover that he was not alone.  
  
  
"Hi," the as yet unnamed mysterious chap said.  
  
  
"Holy cow!" Jack shouted, toppling from the barrel and falling with an 'oof' to the ground. "Who's there?"  
  
  
"'I'her Co'ong," the man replied.  
  
  
"Say what?" Jack asked. The man stood up from the barrel, his face dripping with the last of the beer. Jack's face fell with disappointment.  
  
  
"I go' ngy kongue cu' ou', 'ee?" the man said, opening his mouth wide to show that indeed, he had gotten his tongue cut out.  
  
  
"And your name is what?" Jack asked again.  
  
  
"I'her Co'ong," he said.  
  
  
"Iheir Cong?" Jack asked.  
  
  
"Co - ong!" the man shouted, frustrated.  
  
  
"Coong? Coron?" Jack guessed, each time making the man madder and madder. Finally, the guy flung himself up out of the barrel (sure to trip over it in the process and landing face down on the ground before picking himself back up) and pulled a handful of fuzzy white lint out of his pocket.  
  
  
"Co - ong!" the man said, dangerously.  
  
  
"Ah, yes. Cotton. Well, Cotton, we need to find you a way of talking. Seriously. Then you can be a part of my crew," Jack said, proudly.  
  
  
"A 'ar' o' 'our crew?" Cotton repeated, faintly.  
  
  
"Of course! I am Captain Jack Sparrow of the Black Pearl - now hiring!" Jack replied.  
  
  
Lofty Ben suddenly leaped on to the rim of the barrel and shot himself into the air, catching a parrot that had been flying by. "Yes!" he crowed, ready to sink his teeth into it.  
  
  
"Help! Woohoo! Help!" the bird cried.  
  
  
"Hold up there, Gollum!" Jack shouted toward the midget.  
  
  
"Yeah?" Lofty asked, the parrot struggling and protesting all the while.  
  
  
"That is a talking parrot! We can use him to translate for Cotton!" Jack said. He ran up to the bird and took him up in his hands. "What say you, bird?"  
  
  
"Yoohoo, dump on a reef, yoohoo," the bird responded.  
  
  
"What the heck-" Jack started before the bird pooed all over his shiny new boots. Cotton happily took the parrot from Jack while he was busy hopping about in anger. The half-tongued man and the parrot instantly bonded, and they both knew that they were soul mates. They began to share stories of their childhoods.  
  
  
"All right there, Captain?" Gibbs asked as the pirate was busy wiping his boots in the dust and muttering incoherently about rum and barbecued parrots.  
  
  
"Right!" Jack said with a start, snapping his head toward Gibbs. "Let's go back to the Pearl!" The men and woman rushed back to the crashed ship, and all studied it, impressed.  
  
  
"Ooo!" Lofty Ben whispered in awe.  
  
  
"I want to touch it," Gibbs giggled, gleefully.  
  
  
"Guts in the cracks, woohoo," the parrot agreed.  
  
  
"I think this crew is lame," Anamaria shot toward Jack. "And there are only five of us!"  
  
  
"Juicy with Worchester sauce, yoohoo," the parrot reminded her.  
  
  
"Sorry - six of us," she continued. "Where shall we get more of a crew?"  
  
  
Jack thought on this for a moment, then his eyes lit up. He hoisted the gangplank up and peered beneath it. "Wow! What do we have here? A few roly-polies under a rock!" He chuckled at his analogy.   
  
  
"Why, I oughta boil your brains, stew your eyeballs and pick off your toenails one by one!" one of the men who had been squashed, shrieked indignantly.  
  
  
"Or, you could join my crew," Jack said, lightly.   
  
  
"Okay," the men agreed, climbing out from beneath the gangplank.  
  
  
"Behold! The unstoppable crew of Jack Sparrow!" Jack bellowed, raising his hands to the sky.  
  
  
"Go to hell," a passerby suggested.  
  
  
"Let's go!" Jack said, hurrying onto his ship followed by his newly formed crew.  
  
  
"Where… Hell?" Lofty Ben asked.  
  
  
"No! Away! To sail the seas and do stuff!" Jack replied. "Hoist the sails! Weigh the anchor! Scrub the decks! Any man or woman caught delaying will be thrown into a pile of pokey, broken window shades! Move!" He grinned as he looked upon his fine crew, who cluelessly blinked and did nothing.  
  



	2. The Black Pearl Becomes a Cruise Ship

Adventure Two: The Black Pearl Becomes a Cruise Ship  
  
  
  
"I have called you all together to give some bad new," Jack said to his crew one fine afternoon.  
  
  
"Someone's gone missing?" Lofty asked, horrified.  
  
  
"I've been fired?" Gibbs guessed.  
  
  
"Our beef has Mad Cow disease!" Anamaria suggested.  
  
  
"None of those, I'm afraid," Jack said, shaking his head. "We're broke."  
  
  
"Oh," everyone said, relieved.  
  
  
"Cauliflower, yoohoo," the parrot agreed.  
  
  
"No, that's bad!" Jack assured them.  
  
  
"We can steal stuff, what's the problem?" Lofty said.  
  
  
"We don't have anything for a good hold up," Jack said. "No food, weapons, money… We're totally broke, I tell you! We need to think of a way to make money, fast!"  
  
  
"A fund raiser!" Gibbs suggested.  
  
  
"We can dress up as street people and beg!" Lofty proposed.  
  
  
"Will you marry me?" Cotton's parrot proposed.  
  
  
"No!" Jack cried, eyes lighting up. "We can start a cruise line!"  
  
  
"Huh?" all asked in unison.  
  
  
"Y'know! A pirate themed Caribbean cruise! It's genius!" Jack crowed with delight. "People pay big money for Caribbean cruises!"  
  
  
  
The next day…  
  
  
  
"Welcome to the Black Pearl! Step right this way and take a tour, if you please! Down the stairs is the dining room, where you may enjoy a fine and classy brunch, and to your left is the spa, where you may relax in our soothing hot tub or share a… giggle… in our sauna!" Lofty Ben recited to customers as they boarded the Pearl. He stood behind a wooden podium as he handed brochures to people.  
  
  
The brochure read like this:  
  
  
  
*Magicle Carbean Crooze!*  
  
~Wherre thu fud iz greatt~  
~Thu waiterss arrr fansee~  
~Walke arrround karrrkcters luk liike reel pirats!~  
~Thu plaates arrr shapped liike thu faymus, legendry annd HOTT Jack Sparrow~  
  
*Ande alll yer dreems cum trew!*  
  
  
  
"What the-" a man with a bushy moustache said, glancing around the ship. "This just looks like an ordinary pirate ship to me!" His moustache twitched. "Authentic!" he decided with awe, wandering about.  
  
  
"Captain," Lofty whispered to Jack as the captain was escorting a couple on board. "What will the people say when they discover we don't have a sauna, hot tub, or brunch, for that matter?"  
  
  
"Just go with it. I have a plan," Jack whispered back.  
  
  
"Why, this is such a splendid trip, wouldn't you say, darling?" a lady asked her husband with a strong Louisiana accent.  
  
  
"Looks dubious," her husband retorted.  
  
  
"Nonsense!" Jack butt in with haste, glancing innocently up at the man. "It's fantastic! Twelve shillings, if you please."  
  
  
"Quite," the husband said, digging around in his pockets.  
  
  
"Each," Jack added.  
  
  
"Each!?" the man replied, puffing up. The lady curled her arm around her husband's to calm him down, but Jack bounced about in a wrestling stance.  
  
  
"Have at you!" Jack growled, socking the man in the face.  
  
  
"Well, I nevah!-" the lady said anxiously as Jack threw the man overboard into the water.  
  
  
"Sorry about that, love," Jack said, dusting his hands off.  
  
  
"No need to be," she said, flattered, offering a hand. "I never liked him much, anyhow."  
  
  
"Wow, well, in that case…" Jack wiggled his eyebrows up and down and pulled the lady down to his cabin.  
  
  
"Where is Jack!?" Anamaria shrieked just as the trapdoor slammed shut. "I will not be caught dead in red and white striped trousers, or a phony eye patch! And what the hell was he thinking, giving me a plastic parrot to clip to my shoulder? Why can't I just wear Cotton's parrot!?"  
  
  
Lofty smiled quickly at the customers then spun around to Anamaria. "You're making a scene!" he hissed.  
  
  
"I don't care! I thought this was a stupid idea, anyway!" she huffed, storming off.  
  
  
Once Lofty's pockets were filled with gold, he set the ship to sea, wondering where the heck Jack could have gone off to. Meanwhile, everyone else that was female was wondering the same thing.  
  
  
"We want Jack! We want Jack!" all the ladies chanted.  
  
  
"Please! Calm down!" Gibbs shouted, desperately. "He will be here in a moment-"  
  
  
"Now! Now! Now!" the ladies shouted back.  
  
  
As Lofty was running by, Gibbs grabbed him by the shirt collar and uttered in his ear; "You better think of something quick, I can't hold the women off much longer!"  
  
  
"Aye-aye!" Lofty Ben called back obediently, rushing off. Gibbs gave the crowd a troubled grin.  
  
  
"It will be just a few more minutes," he pleaded with the women.  
  
  
Lofty Ben was scrambling around below deck, looking for Jack, when he saw Random Pirate #2. "You there, man! What's your name?" Lofty asked.  
  
  
"Louie the Barbarous!" he answered, proudly.  
  
  
"Okay, Lenny, I have a job for you," Lofty said quickly.  
  
  
"It's Louie the-"  
  
  
"Yes, yes! Hurry!" Lofty shouted, grabbing hold of Louie and pulling him toward a utility closet. He found a black wig and said; "This'll do the trick!" He slapped the wig on Louie (after hopping up and down for the longest time, trying to reach his head) and pulled him up the laddera to the screaming ladies.  
  
  
"My word, it's Sparrow!" one of the ladies cried, gleefully.  
  
  
"Get him!" a rather large one commanded.  
  
  
"Ah!" said Louie the Barbarous, promptly jumping overboard. The ladies followed.  
  
  
"Wow, thanks!" Gibbs said to Lofty, who was out of breath by the time he greeted Gibbs at the helm.  
  
  
"No problem. I got the money," he informed him.  
  
  
"Men!" Jack called, bursting through the trapdoor. "Meet the newest addition to our crew; Samantha Spinelli!"  
  
  
"Y'all will call me by my pirate name, won't you?" she said sweetly.  
  
  
"And what would that be?" Gibbs asked.  
  
  
"Gelatinous Ooze!" she gushed. "Doesn't it sound frightening?"  
  
  
Jack gave a nervous laugh. "Why don't we just call you Sam, savvy?"  
  
  
"All right." She pouted.  
  
  
"Do you have the money?" Jack asked, turning toward Lofty Ben.  
  
  
"Sure thing, Captain!" he said, jingling his pockets.  
  
  
"Good!" Jack cried happily. At that moment, Anamaria stormed up to Jack, took one look at Sam and growled.  
  
  
"What's she doing here?" Anamaria asked, menacingly, jabbing her thumb in the girl's direction.  
  
  
"I'm a pirate," Sam replied, daintily.  
  
  
"Get her off my turf, Captain!" Anamaria protested. "I'm the only woman aboard, here!"  
  
  
"I'll be staying," Sam objected.  
  
  
"Right. Can you kill a man and steal his valuables, rip somebody's head off and shoot things randomly?" Anamaria asked.  
  
  
"No, but I can seduce anybody," she said with a shrug.  
  
  
"Not me!" Anamaria retorted manically, taking the girl by the boot and tossing her overboard.  
  
  
"Now, that's not very nice," Jack grumbled.  
  
  
"Neither is this," Anamaria said, tripping Gibbs.  
  
  
"I'm the target!" he shouted happily, falling over.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
A/N: Right… More to come! :D :D :D :D :D  
  



	3. Jack Gets a Plan

Adventure Three: Jack Gets a Plan  
  
  
  
"Okay, so… What's the plan again?" Lofty Ben asked Jack as he, Anamaria and Jack crouched behind a statue in Port Royal. Anamaria elbowed Jack or Lofty when either of them accidentally bumped her in the crammed, limited space.  
  
  
Jack sighed. "It's not that hard to understand," said he. "When Norrington passes, we take this-" He waved about a fishing pole, which had a piece of wet gum on the end of the line. "-and chuck it at him! Then while he's distracted, one of you runs up, takes his wig, and charges away as fast as he or she can, savvy?"  
  
  
"But - why don't we just - use the sticky piece of gum to catch his wig as he walks past?" Anamaria asked, exasperated.  
  
  
"That's what he expects us to do," Jack said simply. "Once we throw the fishing rod with the gum on the end of it, and it lands in front of him, he'll stand perplexed for a moment and feel relieved as he discovers the ploy. He'll be pretty pleased with himself, knowing he outdid us, but then we'll spoil his good mood and take his wig, anyhow."  
  
  
"Sounds great!" Lofty gushed.  
  
  
"Sh, sh, here he comes," Jack whispered.  
  
  
"-Gillette, make note of this very important and dire issue; twenty lashes and the gallows for any man who so calls me a fop again!" Norrington said in a suffering voice, wiping his brow as if he'd just been attacked and was recovering from some hard blow. Of course he was suffering from a hard blow to his feelings.  
  
  
"Fop shall not be taken lightly, sir, I can assure you," Gillette assured him, assuringly. Jack nearly snorted.  
  
  
"Get ready," he whispered to Lofty. "You'll be the one to take his wig."  
  
  
"Aye-aye," Lofty whispered back. From behind the statue, the trio could see Norrington and Gillette walking by, their boots almost synchronized in hitting the stone way.  
  
  
"Now!" Jack rasped the command, chucking the fishing rod as far as he could. It landed with a clatter on the ground in front of Norrington.  
  
  
"What the hell is that?" Gillette inquired.  
  
  
"It looks like a fishing rod with a wet piece of gum on the end of the line," Norrington observed.  
  
  
"What does it mean?" Gillette whispered, obviously horrified.  
  
  
"Go!" Jack instructed Lofty Ben. The midget projected himself from behind the statue and charged up behind Norrington before realizing at the last minute that he was a midget and couldn't possibly take from atop a full-sized man's head, a wig.  
  
  
"Holy crap!" he thought to himself in a split second. "How can I reach this dude's head?" Lofty suddenly got a bright idea and shouted to Norrington at the top of his little lungs; "Hey, FOP!"  
  
  
Norrington froze and cringed, doubling over in pain.  
  
  
"I gatcha!" Lofty bellowed, springing up and snatching the wig from Norrington's head.  
  
  
"Hey!" Norrington shouted in protest. "That's my wig you've got!"  
  
  
The midget, instead, ran away as fast as he could. Norrington and Gillette chased him.   
  
  
Jack and Anamaria giggled behind the statue.  
  
  
"Classic," Jack hooted, wiping a tear from his eye.  
  
  
"Perfect," Anamaria bawled. There was a large abundance of giggling.  
  
  
"Whoa-hoa, hoohoo! Ahaha," Jack laughed.  
  
  
"Let's go," Anamaria snapped, yanking Jack's arm and pulling him out from behind the statue.  
  
  
"Hoo-ah," he choked.  
  
  
  
  
  



	4. Everyone is Extremely Drunk

No Adventure: Everyone is Extremely Drunk  
  
  
  
"So I woke up in the river with a cut noose around my neck, and I was confused, right? And then a fish came up to me and told me he was my long lost brother, so I ate him." Lofty Ben giggled, wearing Norrington's wig. He finished his story with a "The end!" and overbalanced with a half finished bottle of rum in his clutches.  
  
  
"What'sh the moral to thish tale?" Anamaria asked Lofty, unaware that he was passed out. She, Gibbs and Cotton had recently discovered that the Black Pearl had a rum cellar, and so were finishing their fourth bottle; each.  
  
  
"Speak up, gadblastit!" Gibbs shouted insanely, shoving Lofty.  
  
  
"He'sh dead," Anamaria said, not noticing that Lofty's tongue had rolled out of his mouth and it was flapping with every snore he gave.  
  
  
"Oh," Gibbs replied.  
  
  
"Oooooooohhhhhh," the parrot groaned on the floor. He was unable to fly, and was drunk as well as the rest of the crew. He struggled to flap himself over.  
  
  
"I shink thish parrot is dead, too," Anamaria continued.  
  
  
"Let's eat him!" Gibbs suggested.  
  
  
"Ngoooooo!" Cotton cried, sheltering his bird. It was at this moment that Jack came clambering down the laddera to see what the commotion was and where his crew had gone to.  
  
  
"What's everyone doing in here?" Jack asked, stepping into the room, unaware that everyone was drunk.  
  
  
"Watching the walls drip," Gibbs responded. "It's amaaaaazing!"  
  
  
"Hey, are you drunk?" Jack inquired. He then realized that he was in the rum cellar. "Did you get into the rum!?"  
  
  
"I told himsh not to!" Anamaria yelled, pointing accusingly at the door a few feet to the left of Gibbs. "Hish fault! Aaaaall hish fault! Keelhaul him!"  
  
  
"The only keel you should be worried about hauling is your own," Jack said, upset that many bottles of his rum were gone. "Get out of here!"  
  
  
"Join us in a drink, Captain!" Gibbs said, giggling.  
  
  
"Okay," Jack agreed, shrugging and bouncing to an untouched rack. He popped the cork and swigged the rum until the bottle was downed. "Ah," he sighed.  
  
  
  
One hour and six bottles of rum later…  
  
  
  
Jack swayed on the edge of the bowsprit. "I'm king of the wooooorld!" he yelled, throwing his arms out, spilling rum, and falling backwards onto the ship.  
  
  
Anamaria was swinging from a rope attached to the main mast. She was so drunk she could barely hold on to it, and so lost her grip, plummeting to the deck. "Let'sh do that again!" she said excitedly, staggering up and walking into Jack's cabin. No, really; she walked straight into the wall.  
  
  
Gibbs was slumped over the side of the crow's nest, singing.  
  
  
"And we will be together everydaaaaay! A heart full of love! A heart full of yooooou!" he sang, gazing at Jack, who was busy guzzling rum on his back, as he had not taken the time to pick himself up after he fell. "My name is Marius Pontmercy," he continued.  
  
  
"Mine's Cosette!" Jack giggled between swallowing his rum.  
  
  
"Cosette, Cosette!" Gibbs bellowed, but before he could continue, he had passed out. Anamaria kept trying to walk through the wall. She continually hit her head, took one step back, and tried again.  
  
  
"Why won't thish stupid wall move?" Anamaria muttered, angrily. She suddenly got a strange look on her face and said; "I'm going to hurl!"  
  
  
"Puke, barf, sick, vomit, retch!" Jack suggested a few synonyms.  
  
  
"Who's calling me a wretch?" Anamaria cried, suddenly, swinging around to face Jack. "You!"  
  
  
"Whooo am I?" Jack asked.  
  
  
"Jean Valjean?" Anamaria guessed. "Gr-ah!" she shrieked, lunging and diving into Jack.  
  
  
"Ten out of ten!" Jack hooted with Anamaria on top of him. She passed out.  
  
  
"She's deaaaad!" Jack sobbed. "Nooooooo!" He clutched Anamaria and continued. "Whyeeeeee!?"  
  
  
She simply upchucked, surprisingly not on him.  
  
  
"Heheh," Jack said, eyes glazed over. He then passed out as well.  
  
  
The next morning, everyone woke up with massive hangovers.  
  
  



End file.
